We miss you baby Cadence...

A year ago today our precious little one was born to God.




My arms ache for that baby.



My heart longs for that little one.



I am brokenhearted. I remain brokenhearted.



Last year on this day my life changed.

My heart was broken in an eternally broken way.

I want to believe God, but I don't trust Him (which simply means I don't understand His ways.)




December 1, 2009 changed my everything:



I had to stand in the place of killing my own child to save my life.



I had to stop a heartbeat. ... a heartbeat I got to see.



They tell me there was no way to save the baby. I believed for a miracle. I prayed for it.



yet, God did not save my baby... though I asked and prayed and pleaded and believed for it.




How do I believe for anything miraculous ever again? for anything?




Last year my natural ability to conceive a child was ended with the tubal pregnancy.




How do I believe for more blessings in the future?

How do I believe for the supernatural?

why would God end my fruitfulness? close my womb? render me barren?





IVF is an option. an very expensive option. (15 k)



Adoption is an option. an incredibly expensive option. (30 k)




In my heart, both of those things mean being fruitful ... but do they mean I caused myself to be blessed?



If I did not want to be broken (read: fixed) and submitted myself to the Lord; for Him to have control over my fruitfulness by blessing us with as many children as He wanted us to have ...


am I taking it back by having IVF or Adopting?



I believe that He makes a baby "stick" in the uterus, no matter who may place a fertilized egg in there.


I do think our self will can run us outside His will for our lives. I would not want to be so set on something that I run outside His will.



Sure, you can tell me to seek Him out and pray for discernment ... contend etc.



I did that last year when I was pregnant, and there is no good answer for how that went.



So really ... there are not answers for this

or for my heart.

sigh.

My handsome men ...

and my beautiful girl!
taking some geeky and gorgeous pics of herself!

the men...

Handsome!

Medium builds ...

Fantastic!

A Birthday Party

A week ago (or so)

we were invited to a 2nd Birthday Party for a friend.

This is Bevo Mill in St. Louis

(we were right around the corner at the party!) This is Gabby (B's Mommy)

Medium and Small

In the backyard

clowning around with the wagon.

I know, I know

I think they are very cute too!

It was lovely weather for late November!

Small putting a ball inside the grill

with Mr. Meany

Small in the background contemplating that device.

and B in the foreground!

B and Small

B and small playing in the leftover fall hay

They had a blast!

Friends!

headed for fun...

More wagon fun

with all the little ones

Medium pulled them around for hours

B playing a flute

Happy Birthday little man,

Thanks for having us!

When baking becomes art...

French Silk Pie

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all

Poison Oaky AFTER IV antibiotic ...

I'd say it looks better.

It should.

After 2 nights in the hospital on IV antibiotics.

Now, time, rest and a little more antibiotics should take care of the rest.

:)

Perfect in November ... :)

... A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and you my love...

and maybe a little bacon and tomato...

Mr Stripey, Bloesser Pink and Yellows

ripened to perfection

(In the garage!)

A little vino

frying the bacon

Finished bacon.

BLT's

Perfect Sunday Supper in November!

:)

To the pain ...

Thank God for 800mg Ibuprophen

Wrist

Top of my forearm

Top of my elbow

swollen, red, angry poison oak rash

Poison Oak

=

To the pain : where I leave you in anguish.

Severe Reactions to ... Make that Poison Oak...

My Neck
The back of my upper right arm

These are my arms.

Please note how swollen the right arm is.

I lost my elbow today, totally disappeared.
Put in a missing limbs report.



You can really tell here...
where I have
**HULK HANDS**

"Hulk Hands SMASH!!"

But seriously ...

I went to Urgent care yesterday, the two main red spots you see were hot and red and swollen yesterday. So the UC Doc gave me Sulpha (Bactrim) to begin immediately for the staph skin infection and a script for Prednisone to start Thurday.

Apparently if you start Prednisone when you have a staph infection it can lower your immune system and you might not kick the skin infection.

so...

I took 3 doses of the Sulpha
BEFORE
I saw the lovely rash on my tummy.

YUP. I allergic to Sulpha family drugs.

Seriously?

So,

My regular doc, via phone call,
Tells me to quit the sulpha,
finish the Prednisone.
No probs.
..

We look up Prednisone.

um, nope, not taking that.
.
.

And what about the new more swollen Hulk arm I now own?

sure, it's great to keep the children in line...

but I might scare other people.
.
.

so,
.
.

Back to urgent care tonight...

To get new prescription
for Augmentin.

Let's all pray that works.
Thanks!

:)
.

and those 4 hours we spent waiting at Urgent care.
yeah, not getting them back til the end of time.
;)


We did learn that it is Ground Level Atlantic Poison Oak
Not poison ivy.

big deal.
But I bet I can spot that offender next time.