Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Precious Fingers, precious toes, why you're in Heaven; No-one knows...

well, that isn't entirely true.

His ways are not our ways.

I really don't know how to write or not write this post.

Wednesday July 7th and someone is missing.

This is the day we should have been having our little one.

Welcoming our precious 4th child into our family here on earth.

But we aren't.


Seriously, our baby was due July 1oth. We would have picked a date for a C-section and this would have been it. 7 - 7 - 2010.

I cannot get past this sadness, this lacking.

I drove home from the hospital 7 months ago with empty arms. weeping and mourning.

My heart continues to mourn.

Most days I want to post something and cannot. I have started many posts since December and not finished them or posted them.

Thinking about the little one we don't have with us is torturous.

Thinking there will not be another is inconceivable. Pun intended.

Why is unanswerable.

How is it that I begged them NOT to destroy my tube and they cauterized it closed?
(yeah, they say saving my life; blah, blah. As a mom, what about my babies' life? why couldn't we save it?)

How is it that our healthcare pays for the death of the unborn, but NOT InVitro to help the inconceivable be conceived.

How can it be that Death is the end of our fertility, our blessing(s)?

Most days, I simply try to smile and have fun with our children. Pressing this ache far far below the surface ... intangible to most, out of reach to all.

It surfaces. I try not to dwell in it. I push it aside, I move along with the next moment.

It simply does not go away. ever.

Ten fingers, ten toes, I should be counting them today, yet I cannot, until I meet you in heaven.

Precious Cadence Selah,

Today we were supposed to meet you face to face. We all wanted you here.

We all miss you.

Love, Mommy & Daddy, big sister & brothers.

Miraculous conception = we believe You for it Lord.


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