Tuesday, November 30, 2010

We miss you baby Cadence...

A year ago today our precious little one was born to God.

My arms ache for that baby.

My heart longs for that little one.

I am brokenhearted. I remain brokenhearted.

Last year on this day my life changed.

My heart was broken in an eternally broken way.

I want to believe God, but I don't trust Him (which simply means I don't understand His ways.)

December 1, 2009 changed my everything:

I had to stand in the place of killing my own child to save my life.

I had to stop a heartbeat. ... a heartbeat I got to see.

They tell me there was no way to save the baby. I believed for a miracle. I prayed for it.

yet, God did not save my baby... though I asked and prayed and pleaded and believed for it.

How do I believe for anything miraculous ever again? for anything?

Last year my natural ability to conceive a child was ended with the tubal pregnancy.

How do I believe for more blessings in the future?

How do I believe for the supernatural?

why would God end my fruitfulness? close my womb? render me barren?

IVF is an option. an very expensive option. (15 k)

Adoption is an option. an incredibly expensive option. (30 k)

In my heart, both of those things mean being fruitful ... but do they mean I caused myself to be blessed?

If I did not want to be broken (read: fixed) and submitted myself to the Lord; for Him to have control over my fruitfulness by blessing us with as many children as He wanted us to have ...

am I taking it back by having IVF or Adopting?

I believe that He makes a baby "stick" in the uterus, no matter who may place a fertilized egg in there.

I do think our self will can run us outside His will for our lives. I would not want to be so set on something that I run outside His will.

Sure, you can tell me to seek Him out and pray for discernment ... contend etc.

I did that last year when I was pregnant, and there is no good answer for how that went.

So really ... there are not answers for this

or for my heart.


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