I don't want to

I don't want to cry any more ... but I know I will.

I don't want to be transparent... I don't want to be closed off either.

I am so very sad. Brokenhearted. I cry every day. Random thoughts, feelings, songs, cute kid faces, you name it... I'm weeping.

Weeping for loss. Weeping for infertility. Weeping for hope. Weeping for brokenness.

How do I explain how I feel? I don't think I can completely.

I trust ... I doubt. I hope ... I doubt. I rejoice ... I complain.

Grief is strange emotional group of feelings sliding around like a puppy on ice.

I know God is still God. He is in control of my life, because I gave it to Him. and I am not taking it back.

I wonder ... I doubt. I hope ... I cry. I yell ... I laugh ... I cry. I open up, I shut down. It all just hurts.